


I Didn't Come Here Asking for This 'Feelings' Shit

by TheLonelyArchive



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Art School, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Artist Reader, Artist Steve Rogers, Everyone Is Alive, F/M, Happy Bucky Barnes, Inspired by Real Events, Kinda, My First Fanfic, Other, Peggy is alive, Reader-Insert, Slow Build, Tags Contain Spoilers, Teacher Tony Stark, Teacher-Student Relationship, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-13
Updated: 2018-09-02
Packaged: 2018-09-24 00:06:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9689888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLonelyArchive/pseuds/TheLonelyArchive
Summary: You just wanted to get through this 8:30 am class. But when a handsome stranger walks into your life, everything changes. Is this going to go terribly wrong, or work out for the better? Stay tuned!





	1. Hot Boy Alert

**Author's Note:**

> Well, here it is! My first fanfic! Please let me know any suggestions to improve the story.
> 
> Y/N= Your Name  
> Italics= Thoughts  
> Bold= Text Messages

_Whyyyyyyy._

Unfortunately the public transit from your small studio apartment was terrible. Therefore you arrived extra early to your first class of your junior year. You took a sip from your travel mug as you pulled open the door to the university’s unusually contemporary-styled building. The lights flicked on as you walked down the hall. 8:09, still enough time for a bathroom break.

**Y/N to SC: Why did I do this to myself?**

You typed out a quick text to your best friend, doubting she’d be up yet. You quickly straightened your button-up shirt, which you chose because you knew it flattered your skin tone nicely, especially with the sun-kissed glow you had acquired over the summer.

**Why the hell did I take an 8:30 class?**

Deeming yourself presentable for a good first impression, you made your way towards the classroom. Luckily, you knew the building layout quite well as you had practically lived in it the past two years. You found the room quickly, and were surprised to find it quite full for that time of day. You looked around, and chose a seat in the middle of the U shaped desks. There were already four students in the room; two girls sat on either side of you, one girl in the far right corner, and a boy on the left.

_I should probably say something. Yay for awkward socializing._

“Hey, I’m Y/N.”

_Way to sound like a loser, you idiot._

“Hi! I’m Wanda.” The brunette to your right gave you a smile and little wave.

“Natasha.” The red head to your left nodded.

“Have you guys ever taken a drawing class before?” Wanda asked.

“No but I’ve heard Professor Stark is pretty good.” Natasha added.

“I’ve heard he’s crazy but a genius.” The boy from the far left jumped in. “Clint.” He winked at the three of you.

_Man, if I wasn’t focusing on school this year, I could go for that._

You had taken a heavy course load this year, hoping to get all the credits you needed to graduate with a double major. You were determined to get your life started, and your undergraduate degree was a stepping-stone to a larger goal. School, plus the extracurricular clubs you were a part of, and your part time job, left you absolutely zero time to get distracted by a relationship. Plus most boys your age were still immature, in a relationship, or gay. Definitely not worth the stress.

“His wife, Pepper, was my painting professor last year. She was very nice.” You thought back to the previous year, trying to recall any information Pepper may have given about her husband. She was kind, but you knew she wouldn’t take bullshit from anyone, which left you to wonder about her mysterious spouse.

“I think either way we are in for an interesting semester, Stark has a lot of galleries around town.” The girl from the other side of the room barely looked up from her phone when speaking, “I’m Maria.”

At that point the door to the room opened, the five of you looked up to see who was joining you. A deep, smooth voice interrupted the conversation.

“Has the Professor come in yet?”

As his eyes met yours, you swore your heart stopped for a second. Holy hell. The man before you could easily pass for a movie star, rather than just an undergrad student. His sandy blonde hair was pushed back with the kind of effortlessness that took any guy at least an hour and three tubes of hair gel to perfect. He had to be at least six feet tall, and his blue-checked shirt was flattering in every way. But those eyes, gosh you could drown in them.

“Uhh, n-no. Not yet.” You could only hope your reply wasn’t as delayed as it felt.

_Smooth, you dumbass._

The handsome man took a seat next to Clint. The two men nodded at each other and started up a conversation.

“So,” Wanda turned back to you and Natasha “Are you both in third year as well?”

You both nodded, and continued with mundane small talk about your summer and past courses. Other students began to filter into the room. You tried to focus on the conversation with the other two girls, but kept glancing at the two men to your left. Well, one in particular anyway.

**Y/N to SC: HOT BOY ALERT**

You'd never been one to crush on boys so fast but this very attractive one was definitely going to cause a rift in your 'relationship-free' semester. You tried to ignore the stunning specimen of a human and jumped back into Natasha’s story about how she spent her summer travelling Europe.

“The culture there is amazing, I would definitely go again.”

“I actually have family in Sokovia. My brother and I used to go on holiday with them.”

“Wow, I’ve heard it’s-“ You were interrupted as a dark-haired bearded man entered the room.

He loudly dropped his bag onto the desk in the center of the room, clearly reserved for the professor. The conversations across the room died down. You snuck a look at the handsome stranger, a blush creeping up your cheeks when you saw his jaw tick.

_Why is that so attractive? Pay attention, goddamnit!_

“I’m Professor Tony Stark. Welcome to Advanced Drawing 3300. If you’re in the wrong room I’ll wait for you to leave, don’t worry we’ve all made that mistake. I won’t laugh, much.” He paused, then clapped his hands together. “No? Alright, let’s begin.”

The man pulled a stack of papers from his bag and passed them to Maria. He then perched on the desk, “Take one and pass them along. This is the course syllabus, keep it or don’t. I really don’t care as long as you recycle it. Save the trees and all that. I’d like to go through some quick introductions before we jump into the boring stuff this fine institution of higher learning requires I tell you. I’m your professor, Tony Stark. Tony or Professor Stark is fine. Not 'Anthony', 'Doctor T', or 'Mr. Stank'. I work in digital and traditional drawing, as well as sculpture. Please, name, year, program.”

Professor Stark gestured to the blonde man to begin. You couldn’t help the warmth that spread up your neck.

_Jeez girl, pull yourself together. You just met the guy, maybe later in the year you'll finally work up the courage to ask him out._

“I’m Steve Rogers, I’m a graduate student specializing in-“

“Oh right!” Mr. Stark quickly stood up. “This is Steve Rogers, he will be your teaching assistant for the semester. If you need anything feel free to come to either of us, but I have a feeling he'll be nicer to you than I will.”

 

_Fuck._


	2. Life Sucks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You try to ignore the cute TA named Steve. 'Try' being the key word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going for it guys. Let's see where this goes?

You stepped out of the lecture hall into the evening autumn air. The rest of your day had gone quite smoothly after the little, ehm, hiccup, that morning. Your last lecture of the day seemed promising as it would feature guest speakers who were ‘real’ artists, and you had found the perfect secluded study spot with a lovely view of some trees (and a parking lot but it’s the small victories, right?).

Professor Stark had introduced the first project of the year, and honestly, you were excited. You already had some ideas for where you wanted to go with the assignment. The class seemed like it was going to be interesting, and you enjoyed your conversations with Natasha and Wanda. So what if there was attractive guy who would literally be looking over your shoulder critiquing your work all the time? Just because he’s nice to look at doesn’t mean he’s a nice person. Or maybe he’s like a mutant or something? Either way, you weren’t going to let a cute boy distract you.

Just as your night bus was pulling up your phone started to ring, “Hello?”

“Y/N! Hey, I’m glad I caught you! Sorry I couldn’t respond earlier, classes were crazy today.” You smiled when you heard your best friends voice.

Sharon Carter. The bright-eyed blonde was studying at another university several hours from where you were, and though you talked everyday, it always felt like ages.

“Don’t even worry about it! I know you’re super busy with all that medical science stuff of yours anyway!”

“It’s really not a big deal. Anyways, tell me about this boy you’ve found!”

Your face immediately flushed, and you looked around the bus, hoping you wouldn’t see any familiar faces that may have interest in your conversation. “Oh, that, yeah.”

“Come on girl! Don’t leave me hanging!”

“Well, he’s my TA. How was your day? Tell me more about your new roommate, what was her name again? Jenna or Jemma something?”

“Jemma? Oh she’s great! Very kind, not messy. What’s this about a hot TA? Are you going to ask for some 'extra help’ from Captain Attractive?” You sensed the teasing in her voice but you didn’t trust that the guy next you actually had his headphones plugged in, and he kind of smelled like cheese so-

“By extra help, I mean-“

“I get what it means!” Luckily, your stop was up so you were finally able to escape the strange smell of blue cheese. “No, Sharon, he’s my TA. He’s probably got a girlfriend or boyfriend anyway. Basically every cute artist does.”

“But you wouldn’t be opposed, is what I’m saying.”

“And I’m saying it’s not like that. He’s just pretty.”

Sharon made a sound which definitely meant ‘I don’t believe you but I can tell you want to drop the subject'. “So, I heard back about that nursing internship.”

“Oh yeah?” Unlocking your front door, and kicking off your shoes, you allowed your friend to give the good news, and you were happy to relish in her accomplishments.

_He is just my TA. He will make an 8:30 class more bearable. That’s all he needs to be other than your goddamn TA._

~~~~~~

You had your headphones plugged in; your shoes were off, and you were curled up at a study desk with your drawing pad. You were in the zone. Your first drawing project was coming along very well. You had woken up in great mood, your hair was behaving unusually well, and the barista at your usual café had messed up your order, so she remade it and gave you a free muffin. You were in your new study space, and it was still early enough no one was around, so you may or may not have started to sing along to the music.

“Walking on sunshine

I feel the love, I feel the love, I feel the love that's really real

I feel the love, I feel the love, I feel the love that's really real

I'm on sunsh-

Oh shii-hi, Steve!”

Apparently, you were so into Katrina and the Waves that you hadn’t noticed the figure approaching you.

“Working on your project?” Steve asked, trying, and failing, to stifle a grin.

_And this is why you never go to karaoke night._

“Yep! Just sketching away!” _Please, please, just leave me to soak in my embarrassment now._

“Hmm.” Steve stepped behind you to look at your drawing; and you had to fight to keep your breathing at a normal pace. You tried to focus on literally anything besides the way his arm looked braced against the table, or how when you glanced at his face you could see a bit of day old stubble growing along his jaw. You decided it was safer to look at your paper, but that didn't stop you from noticing how he smelled like fresh laundry and new books.

“Perhaps, you should try a new form? You’ve done a lot of repetition and it would be good to do something less predictable with the rest of the work.”

“Uh thanks,” you could feel your heart drop through the floor. “I'll start exploring a bit more.”

_He hates it._

“You’ve got a great start, just keep an open mind. Good luck!”

“Yeah, thank you.” You exchanged polite smiles, and he left you to work. You let out the breath you didn't realize you had been holding.

The playlist for the rest of the day was accurately titled ‘Life Sucks’.

~~~~~

 

You had abandoned your drawing and decided it was time for a much needed lunch break. The thought of food had your stomach whining in agreement, so you made your way to a small sandwich shop just outside of campus, hoping the break would inspire something ‘less predictable’.

“Y/N?” You turn your head at the sound of your name in the quiet store. You saw Wanda making her way over to the small corner table you had chosen specifically for it’s isolation. “How are you?”

 _My art sucks. I am a terrible artist. I am going to fail and have to become a fire breather in Brazil._ “Hey Wanda! I’m good! How about you?”

“Honestly, I’m trying to figure out what to do for our drawing assignment. Figured a sandwich would help. Do you know if they have any good vegan options here?”

“I don’t. But if you do get something, there’s an open seat if you’d like it. Maybe we can talk through the project together?”

“I’d like that.” Wanda smiled and went to order.

The two of you spent the next half hour discussing possible directions your projects could take. Then the next two discussing everything else in your lives.

“I’ve got a lecture I’ve got to get to. I’ll see you in class tomorrow?” Wanda stood, shouldering her bags.

“Yes! Have a good lecture and good luck with your project!”

With Wanda’s departure, you decided it would be good to get back to the drawing board, literally.

~~~~~

 

Finally starting to feel confident in where you wanted your project to go, you were ready to make progress on your drawing.

_Forget Steve. You’re going to make something unique and totally unpredictable. Don’t even think about him, or his pretty eyes, or sculpted arms, or his-_

_Wait, is that Steve?_

Low and behold, there was the man you were so desperately trying not to think about. He was sitting on a bench outside the building, clearly taking a break. He had one leg hooked over the other, reading, and-

_Is he smoking?_

It most definitely looked like he was smoking. You had not taken Steve for a smoker, but there he was, and why did it make him even more attractive? You saw him glance up in your direction, then head into the building.

_Huh, learn something new everyday. Anyway, back to NOT thinking about Steve._

You made you way back to your study space, and yes it was now unofficially, officially, ‘your’ study space. But when you turned the corner, there was Steve, casually reading what looked like a poetry book, two desks down from where you had staked your unofficial claim.

_Smoking and poetry? What even is this man?_

He looked up and smiled at you briefly before going back to the book.

_Why does the world hate me so much?_


	3. Johnny Depp has a Tattoo he Regrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get interesting when you learn more about Steve, and you come across some new people.

The bus was relatively empty during the your commute, probably due to the early hour, but also probably because the weather was still remarkably nice and the leaves were finally starting to turn vibrant shades of red, orange, and yellow. If you didn’t live so far from campus, you would have enjoyed biking or walking. Perhaps, then you wouldn’t arrive so early compared to the rest of your class.

You let out a heavy sigh, choosing to set up your supplies and get a head start while you waited for class to start. You had been working on your project on and off for the past week, but other parts of your life were also starting to get busy and you worried you were falling behind. Basically restarting you project didn’t help either.

  _Today I am going to get shit done. No socializing with Wanda and Natasha, and I absolutely will not get distracted by Steve._

You jumped slightly when the door to the studio opened and Natasha strutted in with a ridiculous amount of grace for 8:20 in the morning.

 “Hey, Natasha! How’ve you been?”

 “Trying not to feel bad about all the paper I’ve had to recycle trying to do this project.” She slid into the seat beside you, and threw her feet up onto the desk while taking a sip from her travel mug.

 “So you’re stuck too?” In a weird way, it was a bit of a relief knowing your classmates were struggling as much as you were.

 “Like a fly in a web. I don’t like being the fly.” She grumbled.

 “Good morning ladies!” Wanda breezed into the room and sat on your other side. “What’s new with you?”

 “Just chatting about how we’re both still lost with this project.”

 You nodded in agreement, “Did you ever figure out what you were doing?”

 “Not in the slightest. I’m going to ask Tony and Steve about it today.”

 Once again, the door opened and Clint came in, greeting the three of you simply by lifting his coffee cup.

 When you turned back to Wanda, you noticed a blush on her cheeks.

  _Hmmm, maybe I’ll have to question her about that later._

Within the next five minutes the studio was full of bleary-eyed students, but Steve and Professor Stark had yet to show up.

Almost as if on cue, the door opened and in came the two men, and in tow was a third with long blonde hair you recognized from around the building.

 “Johnny Depp has a tattoo he regrets.” Tony proclaimed as he shrugged off his jacket and rolled up his sleeves. “Two, actually.”

 You couldn’t help but feel like you were missing something.

 “He has not one, but two, of his ex-wives’ names inked on his body forever. Of course, there’s ways to deal with them, but he hasn’t yet, though he still regrets them. This from the man who played a drunk pirate and psychotic chocolatier.” _What is he getting at?_ “I think we have all made choices we regret. We can’t change them, even if we tried. You will probably regret choices you make in your art practice; you might even regret your choice to be here right now. The simple solution will be to make a change, or roll with it and see what can come out of it.”

  _Cue existential crisis, thanks Professor Stark._

 “There’s my lecture for today. I’d like to introduce you to Thor Odinson, the workshop technician. As you know, your first project is due next week. The next project will be a three-dimensional drawing, and will require a sculptural element. Thor here, is going to give you all a tour of the wood and metal shop so none of you cut off any limbs.”

 The man’s, Thor’s, smooth and accented voice wasn’t what you expected from his rugged appearance, “Yes, please no unnecessary amputation. If you have any questions at all, I am in your service.”

 With that you were all lead to the workshop where you spent the next hour going over safety skills, as well as some very dull demonstrations of different tools.

 You let your bored eyes wander, not really caring about how to properly use a hammer. Unfortunately, that was a bad choice. As soon as you looked away your eyes met a pair of pale blue ones, which of course belonged to Steve. Your skin heated at being caught, and you immediately pretended to be engrossed in whatever Thor was saying at that point.

  _Way to be casual._

Of course your mind betrayed you and you glanced up again to see that Steve had also turned his attention back to the demonstration. You followed his lead, and tried to forget the little exchange.

 

~~~~~

 The trip to the workshop had ended and you were back in class, finally ready to get the ball rolling on your drawing.

_Ok here we go, pencil on paper in three, two, one…_

Nothing.

You heard the sound of a stool being pulled up across the table from you.

“Everything alright?”

You looked up at the sound of Steve’s voice, “I’m just working through all the thoughts, you know?”

 _Be professional. Let him help you._ Sharon’s words came back to you. _Professional, Y/N!_

Steve nodded, “Well, just remember that you can have fun with it too. I think the whole concept is to experiment and play with the drawing process. It’s okay to have an idea going into it, but ultimately you’re allowed to do whatever you want. Sometimes I find it best to just start working and let whatever crazy idea pops into my head happen.”

“I understand, though that’s easier said than done.” You gave a polite smile.

_There's a bit of green in his eyes._

“I’m sure you’ll get there.” He smiled back.

“Thank you, Steve.”

You thought he was going to move on to the next student but instead he stayed where he was.

_What now?_

“So, where are you from Steve?” Thank god Natasha had your back. 

“Originally, Brooklyn. Did my undergrad in Washington, DC. Now I’m here.”

“And what medium are you focused on?” You envied how Natasha was able to keep a conversation going so easily, and made note of what Steve was saying.

“I’m kind of focused on drawing right now, but I find that I’m using photography a lot too.”

“Photography is my first choice, I’m taking the third year Advanced Digital Media course.” Wanda joins the conversation; “I’m looking for a new place to print, do you know any good places?”

“There’s a shop on the corner of 21st Street and 3rd Avenue, its not too expensive and there’s a great café across the street. Are all of you in third year?”

You nodded in confirmation, not looking up from where you had been mindlessly sketching a sunflower. _Try to focus, Y/N._

“How are you doing over here?” Tony interrupts, leaning over the desks to see what you’ve been working on.

 _Shit._ You didn’t have anything worth showing the professor, and realized you would have to confess how far behind you were.

Thankfully, Wanda came to your rescue, “Actually, I was wondering if there was any particular conceptual theme you’d like us to have for the project?”

“Oh gosh no! I would rather see you just start something and investigate different methods.” _So, basically what Steve told you earlier?_

Wanda nodded and Tony and Steve, thankfully, moved on to other students.

 

~~~~~

  

You had spent the rest of the afternoon working on your project, saying goodbye to Tony and Steve when they had left at the end of class, then Natasha and Wanda when they took a lunch break. You had finally started the base sketch for your drawing before you needed to head to your second class of the day.

This class was of particular interest to you as it was completely composed of visiting artists giving lectures about their career and artwork. The class was also open to the public, so you had to arrive early to ensure you got a seat in the small lecture hall that was sure to fill up fast.

You settled in to a seat near the back of the hall, and pulled out your phone to check your messages. You noticed Sharon had sent you a picture of herself in her nursing uniform with the caption ‘First day of the internship, wish me luck!’

**Y/N to SC: You’ve got this, girl! PS. Only you and the cast of Grey’s Anatomy could look good in scrubs.**

Your professor stood up to make their usual intro to the guest speaker, also reminding you their wouldn’t be a guest speaker the following week as your class had an exam.

_Right, a drawing critique and test the same day. Don’t worry you can always study an extra few hours before class._

The guest speaker was then brought up, but was experiencing tech difficulties so you took the opportunity to look around the room.

_Oh, you’ve got to be kidding._

Sitting three rows up you recognized Steve’s cropped blonde hair and broad shoulders. He was sitting between a man with longer dark hair, and a woman also with brunette hair..

_They must be other graduate students here for the lecture._

You saw the man lean in and whisper something to Steve, who in turn whispered to the woman. The woman didn’t lean away after, and you noticed the man also remained particularly close to Steve. You saw Steve throw his arm around the back of the girl’s chair, and lean over to say something back to the man.

**SC to Y/N: Haha, thanks girl! You should put some of those moves on Captain Attractive. ;)**

**Y/N to SC: I think someone else already has.**


	4. Time of Your Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Study, study, study! But can you keep your focus on your books?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> B/N is Band Name (I suggest one you enjoy).

You clutched your favourite travel mug to your chest. The precious liquid was all you had to get through the day, and boy did you need it. You practically collapsed into your normal study desk, exhausted from the previous week but determined to make progress. Your drawing project and midterm were the following day, and you had a long way to go.

 

So you set yourself to work, quickly loosing yourself in pencil lines and eraser shavings. The drawing was finally coming along, and you were cautiously confident you could pull it off in the next few hours before your class that day. You didn’t look up from the paper until your phone buzzed with a picture message.

 

Wanda had sent you a picture of her most recent concoction, a delicious looking risotto. You typed out a quick reply as your stomach growled.

 

_No wonder you’re hungry, it’s already one o’clock!_

You tidied your space and grabbed some change. A few minutes later you were on your way back to finish working, a warm cup and deli sandwich in hand.

 

But a familiar blonde head of hair interrupted your productive train of thought. You had spent the past week ignoring your thoughts about Steve. After seeing him between two gorgeous (and way more eligible) people, you forced yourself to get over the strange tightness in your chest every time you thought about him. You put on a neutral expression and sat back at your desk.

 

_You can’t be sad about someone you don’t even know._

“How’s the drawing coming?” You knew Steve was looking at you but instead of meeting his unfairly beautiful blue eyes, you glanced briefly in his direction before busying yourself setting out your pencils.

 

“It’s definitely getting there. I am having more fun with it now.” You were trying so hard to be polite; you just needed to not have a conversation with this particular person at the moment.

 

“I have a question, the project is about representing a scene with ’too much to draw’. Why did you draw a family at a dinner table?”

 

_No way out of this one, Y/N. Might as well go all in._

 

“There are a lot of things that go on behind closed doors. It’s impossible to draw every little emotion and piece of history for each of the members of the family, their relationships with each other, that kind of thing. Of course each object on the table has it’s own symbolism too. Therefore, we take our own experiences with this icon of the typical family dinner, and that also adds a layer of complexity to the image.”

 

Steve nodded, “Well, I think you’ve managed to represent the ideas in the project well. But what have you learned?”

 

You paused. _Just be truthful._

“Sitting here, drawing out the minor details, and re-drawing most of it again anyway, I had time to think about the concept of family. What it means to me, and other people. I probably redrew it so many times because I wanted to try and fit this image in my head, but knew that wouldn’t be the image in other people’s heads. So I have been trying to just do, and not think too much. I’ve learned that you can’t draw everything that you want to represent, but you can make something that will get people to think about what you are representing.”

 

You could have sworn you saw Steve smile for a moment, “I agree. I think you’re on the right path so keep doing what your doing.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

With that you fell into a comfortable silence and both returned to your work. Eventually it was time for class, and you and Steve briefly said good-bye before you headed off. Your drawing was coming along, and you figured you'd but in a few more hours when you got home, but would do a couple hours of studying after class for the midterm before leaving campus.

 

 

~~~~~

 

After class you returned to your workstation, now focused on studying for your upcoming exam. The hands on the clock ticked by and before you knew it, the sun was setting. You ran your hand over your face, smoothing out the creases between your eyes.

 

_Gosh I need a break._

The words began swimming in front of your eyes, and you could tell you weren’t actually processing any of the information in front of you.

 

**_Knock, Knock, Knock_ **

You nearly jumped out of your skin at the sound of someone hitting the window, you looked outside and saw Steve, who had bent down to look under the partially drawn blinds and was now waving and smiling at you.

 

_Who is this man, and why is he both completely adorable and sexy as fuck at the same time?_

 

Your heart was still racing, and the sight before you didn’t exactly solve that issue, but you managed to wave and smile back.

 

_Well that definitely woke we up._

You started to focus on your notes again, but then you heard the door open and when you looked, it was your favourite TA.

 

“Whatcha working on now?” He asked as he came over to your desk.

 

“Studying for a contemporary art midterm.”

 

“Sounds like a great time.” He raised his eyebrows, every student knows the pain of exams. No matter how interesting the course may be, they always suck.

 

“Oh yeah, time of my life.”

 

He chuckled, and god did you want to hear that sound again.

 

“Is that B/N?” Steve asked as he sat down at the desk he has been occupying lately. You realized your music was pretty loud, considering it was completely recognizable despite the headphones being plugged in.

 

“Uh, yeah. I saw them in concert over the summer and have had their album stuck in my head all day.”

 

“They’re great, what do you think of their second album?”

 

From there your studying was practically forgotten. You and Steve talked about your music tastes, summer adventures, basic family stuff, and even future travel plans. After an hour of chatting, you saw the clock and the time registered with you.

"I've got to go catch my bus. And finish my drawing. See you tomorrow for critique!"

"Yeah, good luck. Have a good night!"

"You too."

As you were leaving the building you couldn’t help but smile as you listened to that album the whole way home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess whose back! Seriously though I am so sorry for going MIA. School and life got crazy, you know how it is. As an apology, I'll be uploading another chapter this weekend. I contemplated making a longer chapter here but it will be better in two parts, just trust me. :)


	5. Get Your Umbrellas Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the day of the drawing critique, and your midterm. A visit with a friend leaves you with a realization.

_So. Critique today. Exam today. Try to remember to breathe today._

You finished tacking up your drawing and turned back to sit with Natasha and Wanda, who had finished hanging their work earlier. The thing about art school was the long as heck critiques every time a project was due. You understood the need, and you appreciated the feedback from both your peers and professors. However, standing for hours on end gets to everyone eventually. As much as you wanted to be there to not only receive your own criticism, and also return the favor for your classmates, you also had an exam that night you desperately wanted to study for.

However after today you could relax and let loose a bit, it was your birthday that Friday. Sharon was coming to visit for the weekend and you were looking forward to spending time with your friends, present company included.

“So Y/N, what’s the plan for Friday?” Natasha looked at you with her cat-like smirk.

“I wasn’t planning on anything too crazy, just dress up a bit and go to a bar maybe?”

“No strippers then?”

“Natasha!” You tried to hush her a bit; you three weren’t the only ones in the room.

“What? It’s a logical question, and a good idea too. Maybe we should just surprise you. I’ve got a friend who I know for a fact has-“

“Okay why don’t we get started everybody!” Tony called everyone to attention, thankfully saving you from whatever train of thought Natasha had started.

~~~~~

The critique was just as you expected, long and monotonous. Despite this, there were many interesting pieces and conversations. You found yourself being drawn into whatever tangent Tony would go off on, he was a eccentric man but clearly very smart. And of course, Steve also presented a variety of interesting ideas. You caught yourself staring several times.

_One conversation with the guy doesn’t mean you get to gawk at his face all day. Even though it is a pretty face, with pretty eyes and a nice smile, and is on a pretty body, and god just look at the way those jeans fit his- Shit is he looking at me? Fuck he is!_

You felt your cheeks flush and did your best to pretend to be engrossed in the drawing the class was currently examining. You had zero faith you pulled off your little act.

Eventually, they got to your piece. You explained it the same way you explained it to Steve and answered the questions the class tossed your way. You looked to Professor Stark, ready for his opinion.

“There are minor things within the drawing, some more exaggerated detailing than others that could be further resolved. Though I appreciate the way you considered the intangibility of emotions and relationships. It is impossible to grasp everything that goes on in our brains that makes us who we are. Artificial intelligence is not possible because computers do not have the capability to operate outside of a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ decision making process. They can’t make decisions on feeling and they can’t have actual relationships the same way we do. Yet, we look at the circuitry and coding, and everything that goes into a computer and we are baffled by it’s complexity. It makes you wonder what that would look like if we tried to map out the human consciousness. Yes, it really is too much to draw.”

You could feel your heart hum with pride at your professor’s praise.

“On the other side, it also captures the complexity of intrapersonal relationships as well. All the various variables, events, and emotions, that goes into our relationships with one another. The societal rules that are placed on the relationship between a mother daughter, brother and sister, husband and wife, and the unspoken rules within that relationship. Trying to communicate that complexity is also a difficult task.”

Steve hadn’t critiqued your work yet, mostly just offering advice on how to improve it. You had to contain yourself from smiling too much, but you felt warmth in your soul with validation that he did appreciate your work.

You spent the remainder of the class floating from happiness.

~~~~~

Your happiness high carried over to the time you spent studying before your midterm. Nothing like a confidence boost to get you feeling prepared for a test.

Of course, you were in your usual study space and you had piles of notes and highlighters spread out around you. You were colour coding, you were marking tabs, making cue cards, and you were ignoring the absence of a certain blonde haired man.

_Two more hours and then you are done for the week. Twenty-four more hours and you’ll be at a bar with your friends._

~~~~~ 

That scene from high school musical played in your head, the one where they throw all the papers into the air and sing about summertime. You honestly couldn’t relate to the feeling. You had handed in your exam and all you wanted to do was sleep for the next twelve hours, a full on musical and dance number was definitely not within your realm of capabilities at that moment.

The bus ride home passed in a daze. You shoved your key in the lock to your apartment, tossed your bag on the floor, and kicked off your shoes. You barely redressed yourself in pajamas before falling into bed, where you proceeded to pass out almost immediately.

You woke up to the sound of a phone call. You decided to turn over and ignore it, but then it started ringing again.

Groaning, you stuck a hand out from your blanket cocoon and answered without checking the caller ID.

“Hello?” You mumbled into the phone.

“Good morning Miss. Sleepy-head!” Sharon’s cheerful voice was on the other end. She was clearly adjusted to early morning nursing shifts. You were more adjusted to late night procrastination. “I texted you like four times, I’m about an hour away. So you better be fucking ready because it’s your birthday and we are going to get you so drunk tonight.”

You were not normally a party person, and honestly neither was Sharon. But she needed to let loose and relax just as much as you did. School, and all your extracurricular, and your, ehm, romantic situation, were stressing you out. Your birthday was the perfect excuse to be a typical stupid reckless university student for a weekend.

“Yea I’ll be ready, see you soon.”

“See you! And happy birthday you loveable idiot.”

With that you hung up. The clock on your phone told you it was nearly 11:30. You gave it the evil eye, how dare it be so late in the day when you were still so tired?

_Okay. So shower, breakfast (lunch?), hair, and clothes. You can do it._

You pulled the covers over your head and went back to sleep for another twenty minutes. 

~~~~~ 

After you dragged yourself out of bed and into the shower you made yourself a waffle and then tidied your small apartment. You and Sharon were close enough that you didn’t care about her seeing the typical mess of a busy student, but you knew it would only get worse once she got there.

You were just putting on the finishing touches of make up when there was a knock at your door.

You ran to get it, and when you flung open the door you were engulfed in a hug from your blonde friend. A hug you had to return.

“It’s so good to see you! I’m absolutely famished, do you want to grab some food?” You chuckled at your friend’s typical down-to-business attitude, but grabbed a light jacket and your wallet anyway.

“It’s good to see you too. There’s a café down the street, I think you’ll like their muffins.”

~~~~~ 

Less than fifteen minutes later you and Sharon were sitting with your food and beverages in the small coffee shop you frequent. It was always great catching up with Sharon. Despite the fact that you talked to her everyday, a text or phone call will never beat a face-to-face conversation.

“So tell me. Captain Attractive, where are you at with him?” Sharon gave you a mischievous smile from behind her coffee cup.

“He’s a cool guy. He knows a lot about art and he is very helpful.” You tried to playoff the crush, but you knew your feelings for Steve were getting way past a simple attraction. You thought back to your conversation with him the other night. He wasn’t just nice. He was kind and caring, and listened to what you had to say, and you liked the same music. He talked about his childhood, how it was just him and his mom. Then she died and he stayed with his best friend James, who he called Bucky. How he loved New York and would always be a Brooklyn boy, who grew up picking fights on the streets. How he loved to run through Washington with his friend Sam. How he liked to draw the people most important to him.

Then it hit you like a sudden rush of rain in a thunderstorm, a powerful, and over-whelming, but oddly energizing force of nature.

Steve Rogers wasn’t just a ‘person of interest’ to you anymore. You realized you were really falling for the man. Who was the one person you shouldn’t be falling for.

“Mmmhmm.” Sharon was clearly not convinced. But she let you soak in your feelings for a moment before she said, “I hope I get to meet this ‘cool guy’ someday. I have got to congratulate the man who has finally made my friend realize there is more to life than school.”

You didn’t have a response, still stunned by your emotions; you took a sip from your mug. 

 _I can’t let my stupid feelings get in the way of my education. I can’t go pining after a boy who doesn’t want me back. I can’t put the career of a man I admire in jeopardy because I have inappropriate feelings for someone who is basically my teacher. I just can’t let myself get hurt because I’m falling for someone so outrageously far out of my reach. I_ can’t.

In that moment you resolved to forget Steve Rogers was anything other than someone who marked your schoolwork and showed up for the same three hours of class as you. You had to move on, and fast, because you weren’t going to let yourself get hurt over a guy you could never have and who saw you as nothing other than an undergraduate student. His undergraduate student. You had to forget about Steve Rogers.

 _Open your umbrellas, folks. Fuck the rain_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Until school winds down I'm afraid I can't guarantee when I'll have tim (or energy) to post. Please stick with me! Only two more weeks! I'm also wondering if I should write a few chapters from Steve's point of view. Thoughts?


	6. A Birthday without Boys? Impossible!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How does your plan to forget about Steve Rogers go when a new man whisks you away?

You couldn’t help but check yourself out in the reflection on the storefront’s window. So maybe tonight you had gone for something more revealing than you usually would have. The black playsuit revealed a lot of leg, and was very low cut, but it accentuated your figure perfectly, and who could blame you for showing off? It was your birthday after all! Natasha, Wanda, and Sharon were also dressed to impress, and if the buzz of excitement in the taxi on the way to the bar was any indication, the four of you were indeed going to celebrate and let loose for a night. 

The bar, called Nine Realms _,_ was already busy, and the four of you were waiting for ID checks out front while you observed the street. You had specifically chosen this bar because it was known among the university students for having great music and a good crowd. It was one of the many bars on the main street of downtown, and it looked like the students were taking advantage of the unusually warm fall weather.

You handed your ID to the bouncer, “Happy birthday, enjoy yourselves ladies.” The dark-skinned man spoken in an accent and gave you a smile and nod before turning to the next person in line.

Once you had gotten in the doors you felt consumed by the energetic atmosphere of the club. “Drinks for the birthday girl!” Sharon yelled over the music and pulled you to the bar.

~~~~~

After three rounds of shots, you ended up on the dance floor with a mixed drink in your hand and your friends all around you. The atmosphere in the bar was just as intoxicating as the drinks they sold. Everyone seemed like they were there for the same reason, to forget their problems and just celebrate being alive. You let yourself get lost in the music, and alcohol.

_This is exactly what I needed. Good music and good people to just have fun and dance with._

Suddenly there was a hand on your arm, and when you looked a pale, dark haired man was saying something to you. It took a second for you to catch that he was asking for a dance. You nodded and gave your friends the sign that you were okay with him.

“You’re a good dancer!” The man had his arms around your waist and there was a natural mischievous glint in his eye. “Can I ask your name?”

_This is the perfect opportunity to forget a certain someone for the night._

“Y/N.” You had to lean up to his ear to make sure he could hear you, and you couldn’t help but catch a waft of his cologne, which was a mix between spearmint and cinnamon. “And you?”

“Loki.” You nodded and allowed him to sweep you along to the music.

You looked up into his eyes, which were an icy blue. Beautiful and captivating, but they weren’t right. They weren’t the right blue eyes. You turned in his arms, and closed your eyes.

_Forget it. He’s nice, give him a chance._

You stayed that way, your back against his chest. You tried to enjoy his touch, and ignore the flickering image in your brain that showed a different man holding you. Loki’s hands travelled over your hips and thighs, starting to get a little more bold then you liked. You pulled his hands away, and scanned the crowd for your friends. But your eyes locked with those of the man you had been trying to get out of your head all night.

Steve was standing by the edge of the dance floor; his face was set in a frown that didn’t suit his pretty face. The dark haired man you saw with him in your class just over a week ago was standing by his side and laughing with a third man you didn’t recognize. Steve didn’t look away from you until the other man nudge him on the shoulder.

_Gosh he doesn’t look too happy. He probably doesn’t want to see one of his students on his night out with friends._

You frowned at the thought. You had the sudden urge to get some air and clear your head.

“Excuse me, I need a break. Thank you for the dance.” You tried to walk away, but Loki grabbed your wrist and pulled you back in.

“Could I at least get your number?” The smile he gave you was genuine.

“I’m very sorry, you’re very nice and if the timing was better then maybe. Enjoy your night!” With that he let the crowd swallow you as you moved to a chair at the bar.

_Forgetting Steve Rogers is definitely harder when drunk. And when he shows up while you’re drunk._

You tried scanning the crowd, looking for your friends, but they seem to have disappeared. You finished off your drink and decided to go look for them in the restroom. You could also call them from there, where the music would be subdued.

You’re path to the washroom was interrupted when a pair of drunk fratboys got into an argument and one shoved the other, right into you. You stumbled, but a pair of hands caught you before your face could meet the ground.

“Thanks, sorry about tha-"

_Of course._

“Oh hi Steve!”

_ABORT, ABORT!_

“Hey Y/N! Don’t worry about it, I’m glad I caught you!” He smiled that goddamn charming way that twisted your heart every time. “Literally, as well!”

You chuckled, “What are you doing here? I didn’t know that the grad students came to Nine Realms!”

“My friend Sam is in town. We, and by that I mean Bucky, decided to show him a good time.” _Well, they must be the men he was with earlier._

“Sam, your friend from DC?”

Steve nodded, “Yea. Hey would you want to-“

“Y/N! There’s the birthday girl!” You turned at Sharon’s voice, and there she was parting the crowd like the red sea, with Natasha and Wanda in tow.

“We’ve been looking everywhere for you! You disappeared with that guy!” Wanda was clearly intoxicated, as Natasha was basically propping her up. “Oh hey Steve!”

Sharon shot you a less than subtle glance. You gave her a warning look in return.

“Hi Wanda, Natasha, and..?"

"Sharon Carter." Your blonde friend shook hands with your TA. You crossed your finger she wouldn't say anything, you didn't have faith. "I've heard your class is really great."

"Technically I just help Professor Stark. Its him, and these three, that make it amazing." Something is Steve's face shifted when Sharon mentioned school. "Well, hope you guys have a goodnight. And happy birthday Y/N.” With one last smile, Steve left you with your friends.

“Ok so I vote for another drink, anyone else?” The three of you groaned at Natasha’s suggestion, but followed her to the bar anyway. The Russian was going to drink you all under the table in no time.

You gave one more glance towards Steve and his friends, who did seem to be enjoying themselves. _You should too. Go be with your friends._

What you didn’t see was Steve turn back to look at you, thinking the same thing.


	7. Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a night out you debrief with Sharon, and face Steve in class.

You woke up in your bed, and immediately regretted the last two rounds of drinks from the night before. Natasha had indeed held her liquor better than any of you, and she had stayed over at Wanda’s last night, whereas you and Sharon had come back to your place. A text from Natasha let you know that they had both gotten to sleep fine, and though Wanda was nursing a massive hangover, they’d both had a great time.

You went to the bathroom to take some ibuprofen and tame your pretty crazy behead. The smell of bacon alerted your stomach and you were heading to the kitchen despite the pounding in your head.

Sharon was at the stove making the typical greasy hangover breakfast.

“This is why we are friends.” You took a seat on the counter next to the stove.

“Who said you could have any?” Sharon smiled mischievously at you.

“And that’s why I also hate you.” You stole a piece of bacon and went to make some toast.

“You seemed to have had fun last night.” You watched as Sharon moved around your kitchen. You loved and trusted your best friend with your life, but also knew she had a very tactile approach to getting answers out of you. Her sneaky strategies were great for gathering gossip but you knew to be cautious when they were aimed at you. “Who was the tall dark and mysterious that stole you away from us?”

“He said his name was Loki,” You shrugged the question off, but knew another was coming. “Nothing special.”

“Right, because Steve is special.” Sharon turned away from the cooking, finally giving you her full attention.

You froze, mouth opening, and then closing, not knowing how to respond when asked so directly.

_Damn, girl is good._

“I saw you, Y/N. You can’t keep denying it. It’s perfectly okay to like somebody, having feelings is a normal thing.”

You sighed, the jig was up. “I know that, but he’s my _teacher_ , Sharon. I can’t let anything get in the way of that. I don’t want to be just some silly little schoolgirl pinning after a teacher. And god even if he did happen to like me back, which he doesn’t because why the hell would he, nothing can ever happen anyway. His job and future are not worth jeopardizing for some stupid little crush.”

“Honey, it's not stupid to like someone. And for the record, I’m not saying anything should happen between you two right now, but perhaps after the semester is over, you could maybe explore it a little bit more.”

“We are forgetting a very important factor here. He doesn’t have feelings for me. I’m just a student he has to deal with. Sure he’s friendly with me, but he’s just a good TA. Besides, I saw him with other Masters students. He’s probably already dating someone.”

“That may be, but you won’t know if you don’t try. My cousin, Peggy, is a grad student. I could ask her for you.”

“No! Sharon, really it’s okay. I’ll just have to deal with these feelings in my own way. Please don’t say anything.” You were starting to feel like you were back in high school, terrified of your friends telling people about your crush. That was not a paranoid feeling you wanted to have again.

Sharon put her hands up in surrender, “Alright, but at least promise me you won’t beat yourself up over this?”

“I won’t.” 

With that you both went back to making, and more importantly eating, breakfast.

~~~~~ 

You and Sharon spent the rest of the morning watching crappy reality TV, and catching up on each other’s lives. You talked everyday, but some things were just nicer in person. The distance didn’t hurt your friendship, but when you two were back together you felt like you were unstoppable.

Eventually Sharon did have to go, and you give her a long hug before waving her off. As you headed back to your apartment to clean up the mess that the two of you had created in the past 24 hours, Sharon was determined to get answers. Even if you didn’t want them yet, she knew you’d need them eventually. And Sharon Carter was always more proactive then reactive. The Bluetooth in her car dinged to life, asking what it could do for her.

“Call Peggy Carter.”

~~~~~ 

“Okay, so I hate my life.” Wanda, despite her usually positive attitude flopped her head down on the workbench beside you.

“It can’t be that bad, Wanda, let me see.”

You were in the wood shop, working on the sculptural project for Tony’s class. Your classmates were fairly dispersed around the shop, and some were back in the classroom working on their designs. You’d decided to starting measuring out your materials, while Natasha was in the metal shop blow-torching something and Wanda had been trying to cut some shapes on a band saw. 

Wanda walked you over to her station, “I want the piece to be more smooth, so it can fit into this piece like this but none of the shapes are quite the right dimensions.”

“Why not use some sand paper and a file for the inside notches, and the electric sander for the outsides? It might give you a bit more control than the band saw.” 

“I’ll give it a shot, thanks Y/N.”

You were glad you had previous experience in the workshop, not a ton, but a couple projects in the past had given you enough knowledge to feel comfortable with a variety of the machines in the shop. 

The class was beginning to wound down, and your friends started leaving for other classes. You’d gotten a good portion of your first cuts done but needed to use the table saw for another couple. Due to workshop rules, which were a little ridiculous in your mind, you weren’t actually allowed to cut anything on the table saw until someone was with you.

You went looking for Thor, as he was always willing to help, and wouldn’t mind teaching you so you could do it on your own in the future. However, he was nowhere to be found. Thinking he could be back in your classroom you popped your head back in, he wasn’t there but Steve was just getting his things to leave.

“How’s it going, Y/N?” Steve smiled at you.

“Pretty good, got quite a bit done but I need to use the table saw. Have you seen Thor?”

“I haven’t but I can help you real quick.” He shouldered his bag.

You’d been doing pretty well at bottling up your feelings for Steve. Despite what Sharon had made you promise, you still were trying to keep your distance. You didn’t want to do anything that would give away your attraction to the older man.

“Oh, that’s ok! You must have somewhere to be.”

“I don’t actually, I was just going to head up to my studio. Show me what you’ve done so far.”

_How can you refuse that? No way out of this one Y/N._

Steve followed you to where you had your wood pieces mostly cut out. “I just need one long cut here, and here.”

“Not a problem, let’s do it.”

He started to explain the basics of the machine, sometimes going into a bit more detail then you thought was necessary, considering the amount of times you’d been instructed on the machine. But hey, safety was safety and you’d prefer to keep all your fingers. Steve started up the machine, and you both put your safety glasses on. “I’ll do the first one then you can do the next one.”

You paid close attention to everything he did, not wanting to break the machine, mess up your cut, or hurt yourself.

“Ta-dah!” He turned off the saw and handed you the finished piece. “Your turn.”

You set yourself up, making sure to position yourself just like Steve had. “Wait just a sec,” Steve moved behind you, and you felt him lightly touch your elbow and hip. “It’s better if you move your elbow just here, and rotate your body like this.”

You could barely breathe as he helped you slightly adjust. He hit the switch, and moved away as the machine whirred back to life. You quickly refocused, and pushed the wood through the machine.

 _Jesus Christ._  

“Not bad, what do you think?”

“Perfect, thank you.” You breathed out your answer, hoping the warmth you felt on your cheeks wasn’t visible.

“Anytime.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back, the story is still going so please bare with me!


	8. Embracing the Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things pick up as a late night makes you acknowledge your feelings for Steve.

The next few weeks of classes passed in a familiar amount of stress and exhaustion. Class assignments had not slowed down, your part time job remained steady with your weekly shifts, and your extracurricular activities were picking up. You’d been spending a lot of time in the visual arts building; head down in your sketchbook or working on your various projects. Then you’d speed off to weekly meetings for student council, or events for the department. After it was either back for night classes, home to sleep or work on even more homework, or you’d have a shift at the bar you worked at.

You loved all the people at Luke’s, but you honestly hated the work. It wasn’t your passion, and you only kept it as a way to put money in your pocket. You felt as though your work life was a completely different universe to everything else. Your boss, Luke, was a nice man and the other staff Jessica, Matt, and Danny, were all welcoming to you since you started working as a server there the previous year. It was a small operation, with rarely all five of you on shift at the same time. It was long hours, and unfortunately that night you had to go back to campus to pick up supplies for a project before finally being able to go home.

“Night, Jessica!” The dark haired girl behind the bar waved at you while she was closing out the tabs on the last few patrons of the night.

The bus ride back to campus was annoying in your work uniform, especially considering you chose the skirt option today as you had neglected to do any laundry the previous night. Autumn had slowly been turning to winter, and the harsh wind was biting at your bare skin.

You pulled your long coat tight around you as the wind pulled your hair from its already loose bun, as you rushed from the bus stop to the arts building. The warmth inside was a welcome feeling and you took your time heading to your locker.

Though the building was usually calm, it took on an eerie nature in the darkness. Your movement through the halls triggered the lights, and the only sounds were from your sneakers squeaking with your steps. You were still shivering as you reached your locker, and seriously began debating spending the night in the significantly warmer building.

“Hey, Y/N.”

“Ah!” You jumped at the sudden voice, and spun around to find Steve standing in the hall behind you.

“Sorry, about that, didn’t mean to frighten you.” Steve scratched the back of his neck, cheeks flushing a little.

“It’s all right, thought I was the only one here is all.”

“I got lost in some drawings, didn’t notice the clock.” You nodded, understanding the feeling. “Why are you here so late, especially on a Friday?”

“I just got off a late shift,” you gestured to your gold, or more accurately mustard yellow, work shirt. “Had to pick up some supplies for the weekend.”

“Well, I’m heading out now if you’d like a ride, er lift-“

“I don’t want you to have to go out of your way, I’m perfectly ok with the bus.”

“It won’t be a problem, and you’ll get home much faster.” Steve gave you one of his classically charming smiles.

_You can’t seriously say ‘no’ to that face._

“Alright.” Your voice was small in the empty hall. You followed Steve to the buildings parking lot, and a beautiful shinning black Harley.

_A motorcycle? Are you goddamn kidding me?_

“I hope a motorcycle is ok?”

“Yeah, my dad actually had one for a while. Mid-life crisis moment of impulse purchasing I think. I rode with him a couple times before he sold it.”

The adrenaline of the wind on your face and seeing the road move fast underneath you was something that you embraced rather than feared, but being that close to Steve was already giving you heart palpitations.

“Sorry I don’t have a spare, but you can wear my helmet.” Steve offered you the blue helmet, you adjusted the straps, and gave it a good wiggle to make sure it was fitted right.

He mounted the bike, you followed, trying to give space between your bodies but finding it almost impossible.

“Hold on to me tight, just let me know when we need to turn.”

You wrapped your arms around him, forgetting completely about trying to maintain a boundary as you melted into his warmth. The bike revved to life, and in no time you found yourself flying through the night.

The roads were empty due to the time of night, and you only saw a few taxis as you wordlessly guided Steve to your apartment building. You were slightly terrified at how easy it was. The silence between you two, the proximity, it was a feeling of bliss that you couldn’t quite explain. You didn’t know if you wanted to.

All too soon you were outside your building and Steve was pulling to a stop. You pulled away from Steve and dismounted. You already missed his warmth, but you knew it was also much more than that.

You handed the helmet back to Steve, “Thank you so much, you just cut about a half an hour off my travel time.”

“No problem, I’m not too far from here actually.”

He smiled at you, and you couldn’t help but return it. You hoped the blush on your cheeks could pass as windburn.

_You should invite him in. Get him a coffee or something. You’ve got more than enough beverage options upstairs._

“I have-“

“I should-”

You both started at the same time. You motioned for Steve to speak first.

“I should get going. See you Monday?”

Suddenly you realized that the adrenaline of the ride must have gotten to your head.

_Inviting a TA up to your apartment!? What the fuck you dumbass? How the heck could you even think that was socially acceptable?_

“Tuesday for class, actually. But yes, have a goodnight.”

“Right. Tuesday, of course.” Steve looked a bit shook, but smiled anyways.

You turned to make your way into the building. Waving as you entered the foyer doors. Steve, now wearing the helmet you had been only moments ago, lifted his hand and nodded in parting. You turned away and heard the sound of his bike fade into the distance.

It wasn’t until you were lathering shampoo in a warm shower that you realized it.

You thought back to what you felt when you saw Steve in the hall, on the back of Steve’s bike, when you almost invited him in. You thought about the feeling of adrenaline in each moment. But then you started to place that feeling in other moments, and with each one you realized Steve was the common factor.

No matter how hard you’ve tried to deny it, to bottle up your emotions. Your heart was betraying you. You were not going to just ‘get over’ Steve. He wasn’t like anyone else you’d had a crush on in the past. The way you felt around him was like electricity, but also like the warmth from a fire. It was energizing, but also welcoming and peaceful. You only ever felt panic around him when you tried to stop yourself from reacting to his presence. Trying to prevent yourself from feeling anything only put you more and more on edge.

Being around Steve felt easy, it felt right. Your brain told you it was wrong, you didn’t even know the guy, and he was a _teacher_. You weren’t _allowed_ to feel that way about him. But you did, and that wasn’t going to change. 

Your heart was being a stubborn bitch, and your brain was refusing to let her get away with it.

You had to get them on the same page, because the inner turmoil was tearing you apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is a little different, and I hope ya'll can understand the emotions I'm trying to convey. Also stay tuned as things are going to heat up soon. ;)


	9. The Rollercoaster Ride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can you handle all the feelings swirling in your brain? Or are they going to start spilling out?

“So, I end up waking up to a text this morning saying he misses me and wished he could see me again.” Natasha finishes with an eye roll.

“Wait- isn’t this the ex that just completely ghosted you for months?” Wanda was sitting on the other side of Natasha from you. All of you were waiting for the guest lecture to start.

Natasha nods, “Whatever. I’m so fucking done with boys right now.” She leans back in the chair and closes her eyes with a big sigh. You hear the doors open to let more students into the lecture hall.

“I don’t think they’re all so bad, I believe there is someone out there for all of us.”

“Yeah Wanda, maybe one day someone will come in and give you the fairytale ending. I just don’t think I want that anymore. I’d rather have fun and not stress about commitment or emotional drama.”

“That’s fine for you, Natasha. But I don’t want a grand romantic gesture or anything, I just want the person I love to make me happy. I want to hold hands in the movies, and give each other stupid Valentine’s Day cards, and nap together after thanksgiving dinner.”

“You mean you don’t want your lover to throw you up against a wall once in a while?”

Wanda flushes, “Well, no, maybe once in a while, but it’s a combination of everything. The passion can be like electricity or it can be a warm fire. What about you Y/N? What do you think of love?”

“Uhm-“ Your eyes flick to the front row, and a particular blonde head of hair.

Professor Potts clears her throat. “Good evening class. Today we have the pleasure to hear from Doctor Abraham Erskine about his practice.”

Professor Potts continue the guest introduction, but your mind wanders. _Jump out of the spiral, Jump out of the spiral, Y/N. You do not have to stay on this rollercoaster ride. You can feel, feeling isn’t bad. Just keep expression limited._

You breathe in and out, this mantra of yours had become frequent over the past few weeks after the night Steve gave you a ride home.

“I believe the benefit of creation, of art making, is the ability to draw out what is in the greatest depths of a person’s soul. Who you are, what you desire, what you fear, all of it can be accessed by creating. If you make something from a place of despair, the output would be something of despair. But if you can find an inner bliss, that is what you will create for others. Of course, creation and therefore art, can also be about discovery. About answering questions, you do not necessarily have the answer for, might never have the answers for, but you want to engage in a discussion with that curiosity. So, you draw, you paint, you sculpt, or preform. Then, when you show your piece of work, the goal is to continue the discussion. Get others talking. ‘But what does it mean?’ We’ve all heard the question, probably asked it too. Your art can mean anything to anyone, their interpretation of the work doesn’t need to be what you intended. When the audience experiences your piece, as long as they feel something, you have done your job. The emotions, the experience, the experiment behind the piece is yours to share or keep private. You fail when you stop asking questions, stop pushing the envelope, stop feeling.”

Doctor Erskine’s speech continued, but you were already thinking.

~~~~~~

The winter air was whipping your hair around your face as you and your friends trudged to the bus shelter. Natasha and Wanda were idly chatting, but you had stayed quiet.

It was significantly warmer in the small plastic hut, shielded from the wind but you didn’t feel any relieved.

“Y/N, what did you think of the speaker?” Wanda looked at you, her eyes soft, and as friendly as always. Natasha stood beside you, her hands in her pockets, and eluding her strength.

Tears were building in your eyes. “I um, I think he was well spoken.”

“Y/N-“ The softness of Wanda’s voice had you look her in the eyes. _That was a mistake._ You couldn’t hold it back. And the tears started. “What’s wrong?”

You tried to breathe, shrug it off, “I’m just tired I guess.”

“Bullshit, Y/N.” Natasha pulled a tissue from her bag. “We are here for you, let us help you.”

“I-I don’t know, I just have been thinking, and feeling, trying not to feel, and with the talk tonight I realized I was really bad, and you guys were talking about love and all those big feelings. I am just so tired of having to feel all the time.”

Your friends exchange concerned looks, but Natasha spoke first in a voice softer than you’ve heard from her before. “Y/N, what are you tired of feeling?”

“I don’t know? I just-“ You take a deep breath. “It’s just stupid boy stuff.”

“No feelings are stupid. Start from the beginning.” Wanda pulls you down to sit beside her on the shelter’s bench.

“I like this guy. Like a lot. And I really shouldn’t, but he’s smart and funny, and cares so much. I am always so happy when he’s around but the moment he leaves, there’s just his guilt that sits deep in my stomach. And it hurts because I couldn’t _say_ anything because I didn’t know why I felt the way I did and when I figured it out I was so conflicted about my feelings I just was sick to my stomach thinking about it all the time.”

“Y/N, you don’t need to feel guilty for liking someone. There’s nothing to be guilty for. Feelings happen, and maybe you and this guy will work out-“

“Natasha, I don’t think you understand. This person, it’s just not going to happen.”

“You don’t know that! And even then, just liking someone doesn’t hurt anyone.” Wanda added.

“But what if it could? Hurt them, I mean.”

Your friends looked confused. _Like a band aid, no going back._

“Steve. It’s Steve.”

The two girls just blinked at you. “And?” Natasha said, “He’s a nice guy! Objectively handsome, obviously you can’t do anything now but in a few months-“

“No Natasha. I couldn’t say anything, it would get him in so much trouble. Plus, I think he’s dating someone in the department.”

“Wait back up, if he’s not your TA after this year there wouldn’t be a problem with it. You could ask him for coffee and just see where it goes! And who told you he was dating someone?”

“I just saw him with some of the other grad students. Natasha I could never say anything to him, even if he wasn’t teaching me, if that got around somehow, he could get in so much trouble. Perception is everything, even if nothing happens.”

“Wanda, can you please tell her that she doesn’t need to stress. People fucking sleep with their TA’s all the time and nothing happens.”

Wanda was silent, looking at her feet, until Natasha hit her on the knee, “Y/N, I don’t know. I think you’re right to keep it a secret.”

“Wanda! What the fuck?!” Natasha was obviously not enthused by that response.

“I am not saying you need to stop liking him. I just think that you made a very mature choice,” Wanda patted your hand. “You cannot say anything right now.”

Natasha threw her hands in the air, “This is ridiculous, aren’t you the one who believes in true love and ‘love helps all’ and bullshit?”

“I do! I just think Y/N knows that Steve isn’t going to be able to be that for her. What should she do Natasha? Even if they were to date, people would know! It could cause problems! Besides, I’ve seen him with Peggy and Bucky, and I don’t know what is going on there but the three of them are real close.”

“Look guys, I get it. It’s a bad idea. I’m not going to say anything to him, but I’m not going to hate myself for liking him anymore, it’s just too much work trying not to feel. I just don’t know what to _do_ , I feel like I’m going crazy.”

“Then let it out.” Natasha says.

You scoff, “We went over that, I _can’t,_ and I _won’t_ jeopardize Steve-“

“No, no, no, I mean make art.”

“Wait- what?”

“No, I see what she’s saying,” Wanda jumps in, “It’s like what the speaker was saying today, make art. It could help you get through all of it. You can work through your feelings, and then leave it up to others to interpret the piece, or you can keep it to yourself and burn it or whatever after.”

It wasn’t a bad plan. You could get all the whirlwind of emotions out in a creative form. You could say everything you want to say without actually having to say anything at all.

“I’m game. But I'm going to need some red paint."

 


	10. Bright Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Painting, painting, and more painting! You get very artistic, and how does it measure up for Steve?

Surrounded by the smell of floor cleaner, turpentine, paint, and old paper, you lose yourself to the emotions you have been subjected to since the first day of school. You started your painting feeling like an old sock. Washed too many times, constantly thrown through the wash cycle, only to be put on a smelly foot and worn again. Maybe that’s a bad analogy, but you were just so _done_. But now, now you were empowered, and you were in control. Expressionism was never your thing, and you weren’t really a good painter. This painting wasn’t about skill though. You enjoyed every second of work you were putting into it. You decided to build the canvas yourself, it was cheaper, but it also allowed you to work up to the painting. The manual labour of building the stretcher and then physically pulling the canvas across the wooden frame got a lot of your frustrations out. So, when you were finally ready to make the first brush stroke, you went for it. Suddenly the large white rectangle started to fill with colours and shapes. You had started on a weekend, building and painting nonstop for hours on end. By the time Monday rolled around you were exhausted, from physical excursion rather than emotional stress. Progress.

You hid the painting in the back of a studio classroom, paint side to the wall. You weren’t trying to keep it a secret, you just weren’t done yet. You weren’t sure if you would ever be done. But that was only for you to know.

Your life continued. You studied and worked your shifts at Luke’s. You hung out with friends, had student council meetings. You were enjoying life.

And whenever the little feelings started to creep back into your mind, you would head to your little corner and lose yourself in them for a while. Bright smiles from across the room became beautiful golden lines. Deep laughter was a dark blue swatch. Hushed conversations turn out to be white strokes. Brushes of a hand were bright red spots.

And maybe the painting wasn’t beautiful. But it was perfect.

~~~~~

You were sitting in your study spot. The ground outside was frosty and you were enjoying the light shining on the icy tree branches. Despite having your headphones on you heard voices in the hall.

“I don’t know what you’re expecting.” A woman’s voice reached your ears.

“Nothing short of life changing.” You could hear the sarcasm in the man’s voice.

“Oh, come on James. Be serious for once.”

“Relax, Peggy. It’s going to be amazing. You don’t need to worry.”

 _Steve._ You turned the music up.

The words they were saying were no longer distinguishable, but you could still hear their presence. You tried your best to focus on the importance of iconography in Christian art, and then you caught one very clear word. Your name.

When you looked up Steve, Bucky, and the brunette woman you have seen around the building were approaching you. Steve motioned to your headphones, “What are you studying today, Y/N?”

“Art history for Professor Lewis.”

“That’s a long read,” you nod, it was, “If you’d like a break, Peggy’s show is opening in the gallery tonight. We are on our way over now.” It’s not that you don’t want to see the show, because you know you would go with your friends in a heartbeat. It is different when you are asked to go with three graduate students, and despite knowing at least Steve well enough to have a conversation, it is intimidating. You feel the same nervousness anyone does when they are surrounded by people with a high skill level than them. In other words, you felt inadequate.

“Oh, I remember hearing about that! Peggy Carter, right? I’m a friend of Sharon’s.”

Realization hit the brunette’s face, “Oh you’re Y/N!” It’s so nice to finally meet you, all I’ve seen is your name on social media pages.”

“By the way, I’m James, but pretty much everyone calls me Bucky.” Bucky steps over to shake your hand, giving a friendly smile. “You know, just to be inclusive.” He’s joking when he winks at you.

“Steve has mentioned you before.” You add, “Just to be inclusive.”

Bucky laughs, “A quick wit, I like it. To the show then?”

You looked to Steve, his expression was hard to read. “I really should get this chapter done.”

“No stress. I TA the class, I can update you on the way.” Bucky was smiling, Steve was not.

“Uh ok, I’ll pack up.”

~~~~~

The Triskelion was the campus art gallery. The curators made a strong effort not only to show professional artists but also those still enrolled in classes at the university. Graduate students had shown fairly frequently, being much further along in their art practice than the undergrads.

Bucky had kept his promise and updated you on the chapter you were reading, but his summary was; “People didn’t like images of Jesus because the bible said it was bad. So that’s why art is missing.”

You figured you would just finish the reading that night.

“So, Peggy, can you tell me about your show? I’ve heard you do a lot of photography?”

“Yes, I shoot in film. Lots of long exposure shots.”

“Why photographs?”

“I like memory. I like capture a fraction of a moment in time forever.”

“I see, but memories change and adapt. They are mailable. A photo is just the reality.”

“Agreed. Images can be triggers for the memory, just like a painting.”

“I have always liked that comparison, photos and paintings. Two dimensional surfaces that give you a window to another reality.”

Walking up the steps to the gallery, you realize you had stayed on par during the conversation. _Did I sound smart for once? Holy shit, praise the lord._

Bucky held the door open as the four of you entered the white walled space. There are quite a few people already inside, socializing and snacking on the hors d’oeuvres. Immediately you wander to the first photo. They are ghostly, and captivating and you move around the room, chatting on and off with Peggy about her art process, and the specifics of each photo. There are a lot of portraits, “People leave the biggest impact on our lives, they make the most memories.”  Peggy had told you when you asked.

One photo stops you. It’s an image of a couple embracing, and kissing. It’s intimate and beautiful, but it makes your stomach turn. You know that hair, those shoulders.

_Well. He isn’t gay._

The woman is very clearly Peggy, and the man is Steve.

_This isn’t better._

Your heart is beating so so fast, and you feel like the walls are closing in. _Go, go let it out. Paint. Paint. Don’t cry. It’s fine, you knew. You already knew, it’s fine._

You move through the next photos quicker, and you don’t experience any of them. You are looking but you don’t see anything.

You notice that the older three are talking amongst themselves, “Thanks for inviting me along. It’s a really amazing show. I should go, but good luck with the opening!”

You are half way down the steps when the hand touches your arm. Bright red. You already know who it is.

“Hey, Y/N.” His voice is too much, but you throw a smile on and pretend to be fine.

“Hey Steve, thanks for inviting me along. I definitely needed the break, but I should go paint for a while before it gets dark.”

“Oh ok, I’m glad you came.” He steps back and that’s when you realize he had still been holding your arm, “I should let you go.”

_Don’t say it._

Silence.

_Turn around._

Silence.

_Fuck it._

“Would you want to come?” Steve looks as startled as you feel. “You don’t have to, tonight is important for Peggy.”

“Yea, no I,” Steve breathes out, “I want to.”

“Ok.” You say it so soft you are sure it was lost in the wind. _Thank god it’s cold out, the wind burn hides your blush._

~~~~~

Forget butterflies. It feels like rhinos are having a rave in your stomach. The conversation has been light, the weather, preferred coffee orders, those things. But you were about to show your painting about love to the person it was about. Immediately after finding out he is dating someone else. Someone who is older and beautiful and smart and _so much better than you._

“It isn’t finished, and I don’t really think it’s any good, but I want to try painting and expressionism and I have no idea what I’m doing- “

Steve cuts you off “Y/N, I am sure it is fine. Let’s see it.”

So, you turn the painting.

It’s big. Like, significantly bigger than you. You needed space to ‘express’. The entire canvas is a mixture of colours, blue and white, and gold, and bright red.

When you come from behind the piece, Steve is just looking. You don’t know what to do so you stand beside him. Time passes, but you don’t keep track. You feel the emotions you felt, and you hope he does too.

“Y/N, it’s good.” And your heart breaks a little more because _what the fuck is that supposed to mean?_ “No, it is amazing, I don’t know what to say.”

Your heart leaps, and you laugh, partially from nerves and partially from happiness. “Thank you. I had some good inspiration, I guess.”

“And what was that and where can I get some?”

_Fuck._

“Uh, my interpretation of feeling I guess.” Steve steps closer, inspecting the small strokes.

“Those are some strong feelings. Whoever it is, they are really lucky you care so much about them.”

Your eyes nearly pop out of your head, “Um, yea I do care.” _You care a fuck ton._

“It’s beautiful, Y/N.”

You know he’s not talking about you, but you imagine for a split second he is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not a word of a lie I didn't even recognize the colours in the painting were Cap's colours until I was editing. Happy mistake I guess? Sorry for all the artsy stuff, hang on for more Steve/Reader action! Also sorry I didn't slip in the Stucky relationship, you'll just have to wait to see why!


End file.
